What Is Demisexuality? Am I Demisexual?

July 20, 2023

Unlocking the complexities of human sexuality is a never-ending journey. From heterosexual to homosexual, from pansexual to asexual, the spectrum seems vast and ever-expanding. Another one is demisexuality. Are you familiar with this term? Let's find out what it means to be demisexual and discover if it resonates with your own experiences. So get ready for the awesome world of demisexuality!

What Is Demisexuality? Am I Demisexual?

What is Demisexuality?

Demisexuality is a term used to describe people who experience sexual attraction only after developing a strong emotional bond with someone. Unlike those who may feel immediate attraction based solely on physical appearance, demisexuals require that deep emotional connection before feeling any sexual desire.

This means that initial encounters or casual hookups are unlikely to elicit any sexual feelings for demisexual people. Instead, they crave a deeper level of intimacy and connection before their sexual desires awaken.

Understanding and acknowledging demisexuality can help us promote more inclusivity within society. It allows us to recognize and respect the diverse ways in which people experience attraction and form connections with others.

Demisexuality and Asexuality

Demisexuality falls under the umbrella of asexual orientation, meaning that while some people may identify as both demi and ace, others may not. Demisexuality is about the requirement for an emotional connection rather than lacking interest in sex altogether. 

In other words, demisexuals can experience sexual attraction with someone at some point. But asexuals don't experience sexual attraction towards others at all and don't (or rarely) engage in sexual activities with others.

My Relationship With a Demisexual

I lived as an open-minded and accepting individual. One day, I met Alex (not the real name, and I would use "they" pronoun here.) Alex was a kind and thoughtful person who identified as demisexual. We started spending time together, and a deep friendship quickly blossomed between us.

As our bond grew stronger, I noticed that Alex had a unique approach to relationships. Alex explained their demisexuality, sharing that they needed a strong emotional connection before experiencing sexual attraction. I respected Alex's feelings and appreciated their honesty.

Over time, Alex and I became inseparable. We laughed together, shared our dreams, and supported each other through life's challenges. I felt a deep emotional connection with Alex and cherished our relationship.

As weeks turned into months, I began to develop romantic feelings for Alex. I longed for a deeper level of intimacy, including a physical connection, which I had hoped would naturally follow our emotional closeness. But Alex's demisexuality meant that our journey towards sexual attraction was a slower and more complex one.

I found myself at a crossroads, torn between my growing romantic desires and my respect for Alex's boundaries. I loved Alex deeply and cherished our friendship, but I also yearned for a relationship that fulfilled all my needs.

With a heavy heart, I sat down with Alex one day and expressed my feelings. I explained my desire for a more romantic and physically intimate relationship, understanding that Alex's demisexuality might make it challenging to meet those expectations. I acknowledged that I didn't want to pressure or change Alex, but I also couldn't deny my own needs.

Alex listened attentively, appreciating my honesty and vulnerability. They, too, felt torn, understanding the depth of my feelings but also acknowledging the limitations of their own orientation. After much heartfelt discussion and reflection, we both agreed that it would be best to end our romantic relationship.

My Relationship With a Demisexual

While it was a painful decision, Alex and I knew it was the right one for both of us. We cherished our friendship and wanted to preserve the deep emotional connection we had built over the years. With time and understanding, we gradually transitioned back into being close friends, supporting each other through the joys and challenges of life.

Even though our romantic journey had come to an end, both Alex and I valued the time we had shared. We had grown individually and learned valuable lessons about ourselves and the complexities of human relationships. Our story served as a reminder that sometimes, even with the best intentions and a strong emotional connection, two people's needs may not align perfectly, and that's okay.

In the end, Alex and I remained lifelong friends, grateful for the memories we had created and the profound impact we had on each other's lives. We continued to celebrate and support each other's journeys, understanding that sometimes the most beautiful connections are built on understanding, respect, and shared experiences, regardless of the form they may take.

What Should You Do If You Fall In Love With a Demisexual Person?

If you have fallen in love with someone who identifies as demisexual, there are 2 things you can do to start with; communicate and respect the boundaries.

Communicate Openly

Talk openly and honestly with your partner about how they experience attraction and what it means to be demisexual. Share your feelings and thoughts with them too. Good communication helps build trust and ensures you both understand each other's feelings.

  • Create a Comfortable Environment: Find a quiet and private place where you both feel at ease to have an open and honest conversation. It could be at home, during a walk, or any other setting where you can talk without distractions or interruptions.
  • Choose the Right Time: Timing is essential for a meaningful conversation. Pick a time when both of you are relaxed and not in a rush. Avoid discussing sensitive topics when either of you is stressed or upset.
  • Express Your Interest: Start by expressing your feelings for your partner. Let them know that you care about them and value your relationship. Be genuine and sincere in your words.
  • Ask About Their Demisexuality: If you know your partner identifies as demisexual, ask them what it means to them and how it influences their feelings and experiences in relationships. Show curiosity and a desire to understand.
  • Encourage Openness: Let your partner know that you're open to hearing about their emotions and experiences. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts without fear of judgment or pressure.
  • Share Your Feelings: Be honest about your own feelings and intentions in the relationship. Let your partner know how you feel about them and the relationship, but also make it clear that you're willing to respect their boundaries.
  • Listen with Empathy: Pay close attention to what your partner is saying and try to put yourself in their shoes. Listen without interrupting, and acknowledge their feelings and experiences.
  • Ask Questions: If you're unsure about something, ask your partner questions to clarify and understand better. Avoid making assumptions, as everyone's experiences can be different.
  • Be Patient and Supportive: Understand that this may be a new topic for both of you, and it's okay to take time to process the information. Be patient and supportive as you learn more about each other's perspectives.
  • Reaffirm Your Support: Let your partner know that you support them and the way they experience attraction. Assure them that you want to work together to build a meaningful and fulfilling relationship.

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Respect Their Boundaries

Understand that your partner may need time to feel attracted to you emotionally before anything physical. Respect their wishes and don't pressure them to do anything they're not comfortable with. Let the relationship grow naturally, and be patient.

  • Open and Honest Conversation: Have a candid conversation with your partner about their demisexuality and what it means for your relationship. Ask them about their feelings and boundaries regarding physical intimacy, and make sure they know that you respect and support them.
  • Avoid Pressure: Refrain from pressuring your partner into any form of physical intimacy they may not be ready for. Give them the time and space they need to develop a strong emotional connection with you before considering any intimate actions.
  • Emphasize Emotional Connection: Focus on building a deep emotional bond with your partner. Engage in activities that allow you to connect on a deeper level, such as sharing personal stories, experiences, and feelings. Emotional intimacy is often more important to demisexual individuals than immediate physical intimacy.
  • Be Patient: Understand that your partner may take longer to feel comfortable with physical intimacy, and that's okay. Be patient and let your relationship progress naturally. Rushing them may create discomfort or strain the connection you're trying to build.
  • Respect their Pace: Pay attention to your partner's cues and verbal/non-verbal communication. If they seem hesitant or uncomfortable with certain physical advances, respect their boundaries and back off.
  • Communicate Consent: Consent is crucial in any relationship. Always ensure you have your partner's explicit consent before engaging in any intimate activities. A strong emphasis on open communication and mutual agreement is essential for a healthy relationship.
  • Educate Yourself: Learn more about demisexuality and the experiences of demisexual individuals. Understanding their perspective can help you be more empathetic and supportive in your relationship.
  • Show Appreciation and Support: Let your partner know that you appreciate their honesty and that you support them in their journey. A little encouragement and reassurance can go a long way in building trust and comfort in the relationship.
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How Do I Know If I'm Demisexual or Not?

Understanding and exploring one's sexual orientation can be a journey of self-discovery. If you're questioning whether you might be demisexual, here are some signs that could help you gain clarity.

Discovering if you're demisexual involves understanding your own feelings and experiences with attraction. Here are some signs that you might be demisexual:

  • Lack of Immediate Attraction: You don't typically feel immediate sexual attraction or desire towards strangers or people you don't know well. Instead, sexual feelings tend to emerge after forming a strong emotional bond.
  • Emotional Connection is Key: You find that emotional intimacy, trust, and a deep emotional connection are necessary for you to feel sexually attracted to someone.
  • Limited Sexual Attraction: You rarely experience sexual attraction towards others. You might find that you've only been sexually attracted to a few people in your life, usually those with whom you've developed a strong emotional bond.
  • Slow-Burning Attraction: Your feelings of sexual attraction develop gradually over time, as you get to know someone on a deeper emotional level.
  • Intense Emotional Bond: You might feel a strong desire for emotional closeness and connection in your relationships. Building trust and intimacy with a person is essential for you to feel comfortable exploring any sexual aspects.
  • Questioning Attraction: You may have questioned or felt different from societal norms regarding attraction. You might wonder why you don't experience the same level of immediate sexual attraction as others.
  • Value Emotional Intimacy: Emotional intimacy is highly fulfilling for you, and you may prioritize it over physical intimacy in your relationships.
  • Personal Exploration: Taking the time to reflect on your past experiences and relationships can provide valuable insights into your own feelings and patterns of attraction.

If any of these points resonate with you, it might be worth considering whether identifying as demisexual aligns with your personal experiences and feelings about sexuality. Remember, only YOU can truly determine your own identity.

Be Proud!

What is your superpower? Say it, define it, stick to it. And be proud of it.

Regardless of your sexual orientation, you should be proud of who you are. Embracing and accepting yourself is a crucial aspect of self-discovery and personal growth. It's essential to celebrate your uniqueness and individuality.

Self-acceptance is a journey, and it's okay if you're still exploring and discovering your sexual orientation. Take the time you need to understand your feelings and experiences without any pressure or judgment. Remember that there is no right or wrong when it comes to who you are and how you identify.

Being proud of yourself involves loving and valuing all aspects of your identity, including your sexual orientation. It's about recognizing that you are worthy of love, respect, and acceptance, just as you are.

Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people who appreciate and celebrate your authenticity. Remember that your feelings and experiences are valid, and you deserve to be proud of who you are, regardless of your sexual orientation.

If you find yourself struggling with self-acceptance or need support during your journey, don't hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional counselors who can provide guidance and encouragement. Embrace your uniqueness, celebrate your identity, and know that you are deserving of love and happiness. You are wonderful just the way you are!

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About the author 

Rayverend Zooper

As a humble servant of the Cosmic Crucible, I, Rayverend Zooper, have dedicated my life to fostering harmony and understanding among all living beings. Guided by the wisdom of interconnectedness and the power of individual action, I strive to alleviate suffering and promote the inherent goodness of humanity. Through acts of kindness, okay that's enough.

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