Curiosity about sex toys among gay men is common, and it makes sense. Anal pleasure, prostate sensitivity, solo time and play with a partner all work well with the right tools, and a good toy is a way to find out what your body responds to. This guide covers sex toys for gay men from the beginning: what exists, how to choose, how to use them safely, and how to bring one into the bedroom with a partner.
It is written for men in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. Nobody needs a particular body, experience level or relationship status to start. You need a few facts, a little patience and a decent bottle of lube.
Why So Many Gay Men Are Curious About Toys (and Why That’s Completely Normal)
Plenty of men want more variety, more sensation or more control over their own pleasure, and toys deliver all three. Some are curious about the prostate, a walnut-sized gland that sits just inside the front wall of the rectum and responds well to pressure and stimulation. Some want to add something to solo sex. Some are partnered and want to explore together. Others are working out whether anal play is something they like at all, and a toy lets you do that at your own speed.
Age changes what toys are good for. Many men notice in their 40s and 50s that arousal takes longer or that erections feel different. A cock ring, a vibrator or a prostate massager can help with sensation and arousal, and nothing about using one means something is wrong with you.
If a voice in your head says this is embarrassing, that voice usually comes from old messages about desire, not from anything true about toys. If that sounds familiar, how gay men can untangle sex and shame is worth reading alongside this guide. Wanting more pleasure is a healthy thing to want.
The Main Types of Toys, and What Each One Is Actually For
Knowing what each category does makes shopping a lot less confusing. Here are the ones you will see most often.
Butt plugs
A butt plug is a short toy with a tapered tip, a wider middle and a narrow neck that ends in a flared base. It is designed to sit in place rather than move. Plugs are the usual beginner choice because they give a feeling of fullness without any thrusting, which lets your body relax and get used to the sensation. Smaller ones are often sold as starter or training sizes, and many men use them during solo play or before sex with a partner.
Prostate massagers
These are curved toys shaped to reach the prostate. The curve is the point: it angles the tip toward the front wall instead of straight in. Some vibrate, some do not. They suit men who specifically want prostate stimulation, and they usually have a flared base or a handle for safe removal.
Dildos
A dildo is a shaped toy for insertion and thrusting, by you or a partner. They come in many sizes, shapes and firmness levels, from realistic to abstract. A dildo is more of a step up than a first purchase, but a slim, flexible one with a flared base can work well for beginners who want movement.
Vibrators
Vibrators work externally or internally, and they are the broadest category. Anal vibrators designed for internal use need a flared base, like any other anal toy. Externally, a vibrator can be used on the perineum (the area between the testicles and the anus), the shaft or the testicles, for a different kind of stimulation.
Cock rings
A cock ring fits around the base of the penis, or around the penis and testicles, and restricts blood flow out of the penis. Men use them to help maintain firmness and to intensify sensation. Vibrating versions are popular for couples because the vibrating part can touch both partners. Use a ring that suits your size, never one that is too tight, and take it off right away if you feel pain, numbness, coldness or a change in colour. Follow the manufacturer’s guidance on how long it can stay on.
Strokers and masturbation sleeves
A stroker is a sleeve you use for solo sex, in textures ranging from smooth to ribbed. It changes the feel of the experience and is a low-pressure way to begin if internal toys are not your thing. Strokers are also the toys most prone to trapping moisture, so cleaning and drying them properly matters.
Anal beads
Beads are a string of graduated spheres that you insert and withdraw. Some men enjoy the sensation of each bead passing through. They suit people who already have some experience, and the string or loop should be sturdy and the end clearly finished so the toy cannot be lost inside.
How to Choose: Body-Safe Materials, Size, Shape and Flexibility
Four things decide most purchases, and material matters most because it affects both safety and how long the toy lasts.
Material
Look for these:
- Medical-grade or platinum-cured silicone. Smooth, flexible, non-porous and easy to clean. It is the most common choice for body-safe toys.
- Borosilicate glass. Firm, smooth, non-porous and able to handle temperature play, but it is rigid. Check it for chips and cracks before every use.
- Stainless steel. Heavy, non-porous and very easy to clean. It is firm and can be warmed or cooled.
- Hard ABS plastic. Non-porous and often used for vibrator casings and some firm toys.
Be cautious with toys sold as “jelly,” PVC, or soft rubber-like materials. They are often porous, which means tiny openings can hold bacteria and moisture that no amount of washing fully removes. Some contain additives that you would not want in contact with sensitive tissue. If a product listing does not say what the toy is made of, or the price looks suspiciously low for what is claimed, treat that as a reason to look elsewhere. A reputable seller names the material clearly.
Size
Start smaller than you think you need to. A slim toy with a tapered tip is far easier to enjoy than a large one you have to push through discomfort to use. You can always move up in size later, and many men find they enjoy smaller toys long after they have the experience to use bigger ones. Check both the length that goes in and the width at the widest point, since the width is what your body notices most.
Shape
For anal toys, a few features matter. A tapered tip makes insertion easier. A neck narrow enough to rest comfortably leaves the body able to hold a plug in place. A flared base is the safety feature that cannot be skipped. For prostate stimulation, look for a curve designed to angle toward the front wall.
Flexibility
Firmer toys give more definite pressure. Softer, more flexible toys are more forgiving and usually better for a first time. If you are unsure, pick something with a little give. Very soft toys can be harder to guide, and very rigid ones can feel intense for a beginner, so a medium-soft silicone is a reasonable middle ground.
Lube, Comfort and Going Slowly: The Basics That Make a First Time Enjoyable
The anus does not self-lubricate, so lube is required for any anal play. Skipping it or using too little is the most common cause of a bad first experience. Use more than you think you need, and add more as you go.
Match the lube to the toy. Water-based lube works with every material, and it is the safe default. Silicone-based lube lasts longer and stays slick, but it can damage the surface of silicone toys, so use it with glass, steel or hard plastic instead. Oil-based lubes can break down latex condoms, so avoid them if a condom is in play.
Avoid numbing products. Desensitizing gels and sprays take away the signals your body uses to tell you when something is wrong. Pain is useful information, and you want to be able to feel it.
Pace matters as much as lube. A few habits make a big difference:
- Relax first. A warm shower, some solo arousal or a little external touch helps the muscles loosen.
- Go in slowly, a little at a time, and pause whenever you feel resistance.
- Breathe out as you insert. Tensing up makes everything harder.
- If it hurts, stop and try again later, or try a smaller toy. Forcing it only makes the muscles tighten.
Men in their 40s and beyond often find they need more lube, more warm-up time and more patience than they did at 25. That is a normal change in how the body works, and it is easy to adjust for.
Using a Toy Safely: Flared Bases, Hygiene, Condoms and Knowing When to Stop
Anal toys can get pulled upward by the muscles of the rectum, and anything without a way to retrieve it can end up somewhere you cannot reach. Several safety habits prevent that and other problems.
Only use toys made for the purpose. Never use household objects, bottles, produce or anything not designed for anal play. They can break, have rough edges or lack the flared base that keeps them retrievable.
Check for a flared base every time. The base must be wider than the part that goes in, wide enough that it cannot slip inside. A cord or a loop alone does not replace a flared base.
Cover shared toys with a condom. If a toy is used by more than one person, or moves between different parts of the body, put a fresh condom on it and change it between uses. That reduces the chance of passing on infections. Wash the toy as well, and give each person their own if you can. If you have had an STI diagnosis, you can read about telling a partner without panic or shame when you are ready to have that conversation.
Keep it clean going in. Wash your hands and the toy before each session. Toys that have been used anally should not go into the mouth or genitals without being cleaned or covered with a new condom first.
Do not leave a plug in for long stretches. Do not fall asleep with a toy in. Take breaks, and remove a toy if anything starts to feel wrong.
Know when to stop. Stop if you feel sharp pain, dizziness, numbness or cramping. Some light spotting can happen with rough use, but persistent bleeding, severe pain or any toy you cannot remove calls for medical attention. Going to the emergency room for a stuck toy is more common than people think, and medical staff deal with it without judgment. Waiting makes it worse.
Check with a doctor if relevant. Men with hemorrhoids, anal fissures, prostate problems, or on blood-thinning medication should speak to a doctor before starting. Do not use alcohol or other substances to push through discomfort, since they dull the signals that protect you.
How to Clean and Store Your Toys So They Last
Cleaning takes a couple of minutes and extends a toy’s life considerably.
- Wash right after use. Use warm water and a mild, unscented soap or a toy cleaner made for the purpose.
- Check the instructions. Many silicone, glass and steel toys can be boiled or put in a dishwasher, but it depends on the toy. Do not boil anything with a motor or battery unless the maker says it is safe. Waterproof ratings also vary, so check before submerging a vibrating toy.
- Rinse well. Soap residue irritates sensitive skin.
- Dry completely. Use a clean, lint-free cloth or let the toy air dry. Moisture left on or in a toy encourages bacteria.
- Store separately. Keep each toy in its own cloth bag or container. Silicone toys can react with each other if they touch, causing the surface to soften or turn tacky. Keep them away from heat and direct sunlight.
Replace a toy when it develops cracks, tears, a sticky surface, discolouration or a smell that does not wash out. Those are signs the material is breaking down, and bacteria can hide in the damaged spots. Glass toys with chips or hairline cracks should be thrown away immediately.
Bringing a Toy Into the Bedroom With a Partner: How to Raise It Without Awkwardness
Many men find the idea of mentioning toys to a partner harder than using them. A few approaches make the conversation easier.
Pick the right moment. Outside the bedroom, in a relaxed setting, usually works better than the middle of sex. Over dinner, on a walk or while talking about what you both like are all good openings.
Lead with curiosity. Something like “I’ve been curious about trying a toy, what do you think?” invites a response, where “I want to use this on you” assumes an answer. Ask what they might be interested in, and listen to the answer.
Shop together. Browsing online together lets you both react to the options and see what appeals. It also turns a potentially awkward topic into something shared and a bit playful.
Start with something couple-friendly. A vibrating cock ring or a small external vibrator gives both people sensation with little pressure, and neither of you has to use an internal toy. If one of you is more experienced, offer to take it slow and let the other set the pace.
Agree on a stop signal. Decide in advance how either of you will say “pause” or “stop,” and promise to respect it without questions. Knowing you can stop makes it easier to try something new.
Talk about roles and comfort. If toys raise questions about who does what, talking about roles without labels boxing you in can help. Be honest about what you want and what you do not, and expect that the answers may change over time.
If your partner is not interested, that is a valid answer. Keep the conversation friendly, and remember that solo use is always available to you.
Starter Picks to Consider, and What to Look For Before You Buy
You can narrow the options a lot by deciding what you want first. Here are sensible starting points by purpose.
- If you are curious about anal play: a small, tapered silicone plug with a flared base. It stays in place, needs no technique and lets you get used to the sensation.
- If you are interested in the prostate: a slim, curved silicone prostate massager with a flared base or handle. Choose a modest size and a gentle curve.
- If you want help with firmness and sensation: a stretchy silicone cock ring in a size that fits comfortably. A vibrating version is worth considering if you plan to use it with a partner.
- If you prefer solo play without internal toys: a stroker with a smooth interior and a design you can open or turn inside out so it can be cleaned and dried thoroughly.
- If you are buying one thing only: a good water-based lube. It improves everything else and works with every material.
Before you buy anything, run through this checklist:
- The listing names the material (medical-grade or platinum-cured silicone, borosilicate glass, stainless steel or ABS).
- Anal toys have a flared base.
- The size is on the smaller side if you are a beginner.
- The seller is reputable and explains how to clean and care for the toy.
- Any vibrating toy states its waterproof rating and how it is charged or powered.
- Reviews from other buyers mention how the toy holds up over time.
- Packaging and billing are discreet, if that matters to you.
Buying one good toy beats buying several cheap ones. A well-made silicone plug or a quality bottle of lube costs a bit more up front, but it is safer, easier to clean and likely to last for years.
Pick one idea from this guide, whether it is a beginner-friendly toy or a better lube, and use the checklist above when you are ready to buy. Start small, go slowly, and let your own comfort set the pace.