I recognize the past experiences in shaping our expectations, especially when it comes to finding our ideal partner. Who strikes our fancy depends on how deeply rooted we are and where we come from. That's why when I talk to friends about their search for love, I emphasize the impact of their early life experiences.
Your Upbringing
A family's past experiences, traumas, and cultural background play an outsized role. For example;
- A gay male who admired the strength and nurturing nature of a father might seek a partner with similar qualities.
- On the other hand, someone who lacked a paternal figure could either crave that missing piece in a partner or steer clear, wary of the authority it represents.
- A man who's played the 'big brother' may unconsciously look for someone he can protect and guide.
- Someone who was the youngest of the siblings may prefer a partner who brings a sense of security and leadership that they're used to.
No discussion about this would be complete without touching on the psychological imprint left by our caregivers' relationships. Were they equal partners, or did one dominate? Things often become a template for what we consider 'normal', shaping our vision of an ideal relationship.
With this backdrop, we can start to flesh out the different types of partners one might seek in a relationship.
Seeking a "Daddy" Figure in Love Relationships
The desire to seek a "daddy" figure in love relationships is deeply rooted in how you relate to authority, care, and affection. Several factors can contribute to the development of this situation:
- Absence of a Father Figure: The absence of a father figure during childhood - due to reasons such as divorce, death, or emotional unavailability. The lack of a strong paternal presence may have made you seek out older, more authoritative partners to fill this void in adulthood.
- Overbearing Parents: Conversely, having overbearing/controlling parents, especially a mother, can also lead to seeking a "daddy" figure. The child might crave a balance of authority that was overly concentrated in one parent.
- Need for Approval: Children who grow up feeling undervalued or unloved might seek approval from an older, authoritative partner. The "daddy" figure becomes a source of validation and praise, fulfilling a deep-seated need for acceptance.
- Early Experiences of Sexual Identity: For some, early sexual awakening might be linked with fantasies about older men. The fantasies often stem from a mix of admiration and desire for protection during the tumultuous period of discovering one's sexual identity.
Dominance and Submission
Dominant and submissive personalities often stem from a combination of innate tendencies and personal experiences. These roles are not merely about preferences in sexual activities but are deeply rooted in one's psychological makeup through their upbringing.
Development of Dominant Personalities
A dominant personality in a D/S relationship develops from a need for control and authority, often linked to past experiences where control was either strongly present or completely absent.
A dominant person would often have a strong desire to lead, make decisions, and exert control. It can be a response to previous situations where they felt powerless or a reflection of their upbringing in environments where they were encouraged to take charge.
Psychologically, this desire is often tied to fantasies where they orchestrate the entire sexual experience, deriving pleasure from their partner's obedience. The fantasy revolves around creating scenarios where their partner is completely at their mercy. It includes role-playing, bondage, or anything you can think of that reinforce their dominant position.
Development of Submissive Personalities
On the other hand, a submissive personality may develop from a desire to relinquish control, often as a counterbalance to a life where they have had to maintain control or face overwhelming responsibilities. Some submissive people seek a safe space where they can escape the pressures of decision-making and receive love and protection from their partner.
So they look for a partner who will take full charge. Especially in sexual performance, they find excitement when they are obedient to their partner.
Their fantasies may include being restrained, receiving instructions, and experiencing various forms of discipline. The act of submission itself is a form of surrender, and it brings them a deep sense of pleasure, rooted in the relinquishment of control.
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Stockholm Syndrome
Stockholm Syndrome often arises from prolonged exposure to coercive behaviors, leading the submissive partner to rationalize or justify the abuse. The situation develop gradually and escalate over time.
Initially, the dominant partner may exhibit caring and protective behaviors. As the relationship progresses, these behaviors become more controlling. They often use psychological manipulation, such as gaslighting, to distort the submissive partner's perception of reality.
The submissive partner, having developed a strong emotional bond, begins to rationalize the abuse. They believe that their partner's controlling behavior is a sign of love and care, making it difficult to recognize the abuse.
The Victim of Stockholm Syndrome
The victim of Stockholm Syndrome is almost alway the submissive partner, because they often experiences a loss of self-esteem and a growing sense of dependency on the dominant partner. They may isolate themselves, believing that their partner's behavior is justified and that they are better off within the confines of the abusive relationship.
Over time, their identity becomes intertwined with the dominant partner's control, making it difficult to imagine life outside the relationship. This dependency is reinforced by intermittent positive reinforcement, where the dominant partner occasionally exhibits caring behavior, creating a confusing and emotionally turbulent environment.
Escaping from a relationship influenced by Stockholm Syndrome means reclaiming their identity. They need to know the inherent value and dignity that every person deserves. They need to regain a sense of self-worth and independence, gradually disentangle themselves from the controlling relationship.
Your Ideal Partner
Finding someone who complements your personality and life isn't always straightforward. Because compatibility is multidimensional; it goes beyond just liking the same movies or enjoying the same hobbies. An ideal partner supports you emotionally, stimulates you intellectually and physically.
In any relationship, recognizing and valuing the contributions of each partner is fundamental. When you and your partner have different roles, you give each other different qualities to the relationship. So you really should use the differences to build a strong supportive, and loving way of life together.
