Compulsory Heterosexuality: Anti-Feminism? Homophobia?

What's Compulsory Heterosexuality, Anyway?

Compulsory heterosexuality is the assumption that everyone is straight by default. It's the idea that society, from a very young age, pushes the expectation of being straight on people, especially on women. This means that women, in particular, are often expected to grow up, marry a man, and have kids—whether they actually want that or not. The term is mostly used in feminist circles, thanks to Adrienne Rich, who highlighted how this pressure affects women. But what about men? Do they experience it too?

Yes, they do. While compulsory heterosexuality is often linked to women's experiences, gay men feel this pressure too, just in different ways. Society expects men to be masculine and, as part of that, to be attracted to women. This can create a lot of confusion and stress for guys who don't fit that mold.

• Boys are often asked who their “girlfriend” is, even when they're still figuring themselves out.
• In high school, it's assumed that guys will take girls to prom, reinforcing heterosexual norms.
• Family gatherings often come with casual comments like, "When are you going to bring home a nice girl?"

Compulsory Heterosexuality vs. Homophobia: What's the Difference?

Compulsory heterosexuality and homophobia are connected but not exactly the same thing. While they both make life hard for people who aren't straight, they show up in different ways.

Compulsory heterosexuality is more about assumptions and social pressures. It's that constant push for everyone to be straight, like it's the only option. It's not always mean-spirited, and sometimes people pushing these norms don’t even realize they’re doing it. But it still has a big impact on how people grow up and see themselves.

Homophobia, on the other hand, is straight-up hostility or fear of gay people. It's the active dislike or hatred toward LGBTQ+ folks, whether through bullying, violence, or even discriminatory laws. Homophobia is more aggressive and often results in direct harm to people who are gay, lesbian, or anything other than straight.

• Compulsory heterosexuality is when someone says, “You’ll find a nice girl someday,” even though you’re not interested in girls.
• Homophobia is when someone calls you slurs or discriminates against you because you’re not straight.
• Compulsory heterosexuality can come from well-meaning family members, while homophobia often involves fear, hate, or disgust.

What About Conversion Therapy?

Conversion therapy is another thing that sometimes gets confused with compulsory heterosexuality. It’s the practice of trying to change someone’s sexual orientation from gay to straight through counseling, prayer, or other harmful methods. It’s often used by religious or conservative groups who believe that being gay is something to "fix." Conversion therapy is not just an assumption that you’re straight—it’s an active attempt to make you straight.

Whereas compulsory heterosexuality is like passive pressure from society, conversion therapy is a much more deliberate and damaging action. It’s been widely discredited by mental health professionals because it doesn't work and often leads to long-term emotional harm.

• Conversion therapy might involve religious leaders telling you that being gay is a sin and you need to "pray the gay away."
• It could also look like a therapist trying to convince you that being straight is the only way to live a happy life.
• Unlike compulsory heterosexuality, which is more about societal norms, conversion therapy is a very intentional and harmful practice.

How Compulsory Heterosexuality Plays Out for Men

For men, the idea of being straight is often tied to ideas of masculinity. Being a "real man" is frequently linked to being into women, getting married, and having kids. This pressure is everywhere, from movies and TV shows to locker room talk. The expectation is that men are naturally attracted to women, and anything outside of that is seen as "weird" or even "unmanly."

Gay men, in particular, feel the weight of these assumptions. It’s not just that people assume they’re straight; it’s that they’re also expected to be traditionally masculine in other ways, which can add another layer of pressure.

• Boys are often encouraged to play sports, be tough, and avoid anything “girly,” with heterosexuality baked into those expectations.
• In many cultures, men are still expected to get married to a woman and have kids as a way to “prove” their manhood.
• Media often portrays successful men as straight, with little room for other identities in mainstream stories.

Why Is This Mostly Talked About With Women?

So, why does compulsory heterosexuality seem like it's mainly about women? It’s because, historically, women have been more tightly controlled by societal expectations around marriage and motherhood. The pressure to be straight is often linked with the idea that women need to find a man, settle down, and have a family. There’s also a lot of messaging that tells women they should always be focused on attracting men and that their value is tied to how they’re seen by men.

For men, these pressures exist too, but they’re usually wrapped up in ideas about masculinity rather than directly about relationships. Men are expected to be straight because straightness is seen as part of being a man. But for women, it’s often more about fulfilling roles that are seen as “necessary” for society, like being a wife or mother.

• Women are often told that their ultimate goal is to get married and have kids, with less focus on other life paths.
• Girls are frequently conditioned to prioritize male approval, whether in terms of looks, behavior, or ambitions.
• Movies and books often show women being saved or completed by a man, reinforcing the idea that heterosexual relationships are the end goal.

Modern Day Pressures: Has Anything Changed?

You might think that with more acceptance of LGBTQ+ people, these pressures would fade, but they haven’t completely gone away. Compulsory heterosexuality is still very much alive, even if it’s not always as blatant. People still make assumptions, and those assumptions can weigh heavily on people who don’t fit into the straight mold.

It’s not uncommon for gay men, especially in conservative or traditional environments, to feel like they still have to act straight to fit in. Even in more liberal spaces, the expectation to conform to certain norms can sneak in. Society may be more open-minded now, but the assumption that everyone is straight is still the default in many places.

• Some men date women because they feel pressured by family or social circles, even if they’re not interested in them romantically.
• Conversations about the future, like getting married or having kids, often come with an automatic assumption of heterosexuality.
• Men might downplay their orientation or stay closeted in professional settings, especially if they work in more conservative industries.

Compulsory Heterosexuality in Relationships

For some people, compulsory heterosexuality doesn’t just shape their childhood or teen years; it extends into their adult relationships too. Gay men might find themselves in heterosexual relationships because it seems easier or safer than coming out. These relationships can be emotionally complicated because they’re often built on a foundation of societal expectation rather than genuine attraction.

Many people, especially those from older generations or more traditional backgrounds, have been in marriages or long-term relationships with people of the opposite sex before realizing or accepting that they’re not straight. These relationships can feel like ticking time bombs because they’re not built on true compatibility.

• Some men stay in long-term relationships with women even though they’re gay because they fear backlash from family or friends.
• There’s pressure to stick with a relationship because it looks "normal" to the outside world, even if it feels wrong internally.
• Breaking out of these relationships can be tough because of all the social and emotional factors involved.

Wrapping It Up

Compulsory heterosexuality isn’t just a women’s issue. Men, especially gay men, face it too. The expectation that everyone is straight is baked into a lot of societal norms and gender roles, making it hard for people to live authentically. The subtle pressure to date the opposite sex, the more overt practice of conversion therapy, etc... These forces can shape people’s lives in powerful ways. While attitudes may be shifting, the assumption that straight is the default still runs deep.