Life is full of characters, and some of them are downright insufferable. Yet, for one reason or another, you find yourself pretending to like them. Maybe they’re your boss, your friend’s plus-one, or that guy in your hobby group who never takes a hint. Welcome to the Bitches Banquet—a feast of fakery served with a side of sarcasm. Let’s dissect these characters, figure out why you fake-smile through their presence, and have some fun imagining how to handle them.

The Over-Talker Who Thinks He's Hilarious

Every banquet has a loudmouth, and this guy takes the cake. The Over-Talker is the self-proclaimed comedian who confuses volume with humor. He’ll dominate any room, oblivious to the glazed eyes of his unwilling audience. His jokes aren’t funny, but you’re stuck laughing because calling him out would cause an awkward silence—and no one wants that at this bitch-filled banquet.

The Over-Talker loves to hijack conversations. You might be sharing a story about your weekend when he interrupts with, “Oh, that reminds me of this hilarious thing that happened to me!” Fifteen minutes later, you’ve forgotten your point entirely, and he’s still going. The key to handling him is to cut the crap early. Politely steer the conversation back to others. “That’s great, but let’s hear what Jim was saying earlier!”

Sometimes, the best strategy is humor. If he says, “I’m the funniest guy you’ll ever meet,” reply with a straight face, “Oh good, I’ve been looking for someone to teach me dad jokes.” Turning the tables can make everyone else laugh while subtly taking him down a peg. Banquets are meant for shared laughs, not monopolized monologues.

If all else fails, excuse yourself. Claim you need to refill your drink or check on someone. Over-Talkers thrive on attention, so starving them of it is often the best way to shut them down. This banquet’s better off without them holding court.

• How do you redirect conversations without being too obvious?

• What’s your favorite way to deflate an Over-Talker’s ego?

The One-Upper Who Always Has to Win

This banquet wouldn’t be complete without the One-Upper, a true queen or king of bitchy competition. No matter what you’ve done, he’s done it better, faster, or more dramatically. If you climbed a hill, he’s conquered a mountain. If you’re proud of a work project, he’ll tell you about the time he “saved the entire department” single-handedly. Conversations with him feel less like chatting and more like a competitive sport.

A fun way to deal with the One-Upper is to lean into his game but take it to ridiculous extremes. If he brags about running a marathon, say, “Wow, that’s cool. I once ran across the Sahara Desert barefoot. Took me three days. No big deal.” This banquet of absurdity exposes how silly his antics truly are.

Another strategy is to call him out—politely but firmly. When he says, “I’ve done something even harder,” respond with, “Wow, you’re amazing at turning every conversation into a personal highlight reel!” Sometimes a little sarcasm is the only way to keep your sanity at this bitchy banquet.

Lastly, you could flip the script by asking for details. “Wow, you climbed Mount Everest? That’s incredible! Tell me all about the training and permits.” More often than not, he’ll squirm because his story doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. At this banquet, facts are the real MVPs.

• How do you shut down a One-Upper without sounding petty?

• What’s the wildest comeback you’ve used to outdo someone’s brag?

The Eternal Critic Who Hates Everything

Every banquet has a buzzkill, and this bitch fits the bill. The Eternal Critic is the human embodiment of a one-star review. Nothing is ever good enough for him. The movie you loved? “Overrated.” The restaurant everyone’s raving about? “I’ve had better.” Spending time with him is like carrying a cloud of negativity everywhere you go.

One way to deal with this person is to drown him in his own criticism. The next time he gripes, say, “You’re right. Nothing will ever be as good as your taste. I’ll make sure to consult you on everything from now on.” The sarcasm might fly over his head, but others at the banquet will catch the humor.

Another way is to create healthy distance. When he starts his usual tirade, cut the crap with a smile and say, “Let’s agree to disagree. I like it, and that’s enough for me.” Refusing to take the bait keeps the interaction light and prevents him from ruining the vibe.

If you’re feeling bold, turn his negativity into a game. Challenge him to say three positive things about anything he complains about. For example, “You hated the movie? Cool. Name three things you liked about it.” Watching him squirm might just make your day at this bitchy banquet.

• How do you handle negative people without letting them drag you down?
• What tricks have worked for flipping a critic’s perspective?

The Passive-Aggressive Backhander

Ah, the backhanded compliment artist, a true VIP of this banquet of bitches. “Wow, you actually look good in that color.” Or, “I wish I could afford to take a break like you do!” These comments are designed to sting while sounding polite. Dealing with them requires tact—and a sharp wit.

The next time someone throws shade, counter it with mock sincerity. If they say, “That’s ambitious for you,” respond with, “Thank you! Your faith in me means the world.” Delivered with a grin, it turns their insult into a joke at their expense, keeping the banquet’s energy in your favor.

Another tactic is to confront them head-on. Say, “Did you mean that as a compliment? It came across differently.” Forcing them to explain themselves often makes them backpedal awkwardly. No bitch at this banquet enjoys being called out.

For a lighter touch, play dumb. If they say, “You’re braver than I thought,” reply with, “Oh? What did you think I’d do?” Pretending you missed the insult can leave them flustered and unsure how to proceed. This banquet belongs to the wittiest bitch.

• How do you keep your cool when someone throws shade?
• What’s the funniest way you’ve turned a backhanded compliment around?

The Gossip Who Thrives on Drama

This banquet always has a drama queen or king, and this bitch is the star. They’re always in the know—and always stirring the pot. They’ll share half-truths, spin stories, and revel in conflict. Pretending to like them is exhausting because you’re constantly wondering when you’ll become their next target.

A good strategy is to starve them of gossip. If they say, “Did you hear about so-and-so?” shrug and reply, “Nope, and I’m not interested.” Cutting the crap stops them from dragging you into their web of banquet drama.

If they’re persistent, redirect their energy. Say, “Wow, you know everything about everyone! Have you thought about becoming a private investigator?” Flipping their obsession into a joke can defuse their antics.

Finally, protect yourself by staying vague about your own life. Gossip thrives on personal details, so don’t give them any ammunition. The less they know, the less they can twist at this banquet of whispers.

• How do you set boundaries with someone who loves to gossip?
• What’s your go-to line for shutting down drama?

The Fake Friend Who’s Only There When It’s Convenient

Every banquet has that bitch who only shows up when it’s convenient. This guy is all smiles when he needs something but disappears when you’re the one in need. He’ll show up for the fun stuff but ghost you the moment things get real. Pretending to like him feels like a one-sided effort—because it is.

To deal with this, stop overextending yourself. If he only calls when he needs help, cut the crap and stop answering. Relationships at this banquet should be mutual, not transactional.

Another option is to flip the script. Ask him for a favor and see how he reacts. His response will tell you everything you need to know about the nature of your relationship.

If you’re feeling confrontational, call him out. Say, “I’ve noticed you’re not around much unless you need something. Why is that?” It’s a direct way to address the issue without playing games. Every banquet deserves honesty, even among bitches.

• How do you spot a fake friend before investing too much energy?

• What’s the best way to handle one-sided relationships?

The Bitches Banquet is filled with characters who test your patience and your poker face. But with a little wit, humor, and a willingness to cut the crap, you can navigate these encounters with grace and maybe even enjoy the absurdity of it all.