10 Things You Should Never Say To Your Gay Friends

Our society seems much more accepting and understanding of the LGBTQ+ community, thankfully. But ignorant people still exist, they say hurtful things, and you really don't want to be one of them, do you? Homophobes only embarrass themselves, right?

Whether intentional or not, making harmful comments to our gay friends will only backfire on you. So here are common phrases that you should never say to your gay friends. It's time to educate ourselves and learn how to be better allies.

1. "Who's the Man/Woman in the Relationship?"

Asking who the "man" or "woman" is in a same-sex relationship misses the point of understanding diverse relationships. Here’s why this question doesn’t help:

• It tries to apply heterosexual norms to all relationships, which doesn't make sense because relationships are about the unique dynamic between the people in them, not about fitting into predefined roles.
• It oversimplifies human connections. Relationships are complex and can’t be boiled down to traditional gender roles.
• It can make your friends feel like their relationship is being viewed through an outdated lens.

2. "Don't Flirt With Me!"

Eh... What makes you think you are so attractive? Does every single woman you meet flirt with you?

Throwing this out as a joke might seem harmless, but here’s why it could rub someone the wrong way:

• It assumes that gay friends are automatically attracted to all their friends of the same sex, which is simply not true.
• This can make your friend feel awkward and on the spot, as if they need to defend their intentions in the friendship.
• It can create unnecessary distance in the friendship by suggesting there’s something to be wary of.

3. "You’re Too Pretty/Handsome to Be Gay"

This one's a classic mix-up, as if good looks and sexuality have anything to do with each other. Let's unpack it:

• It suggests a stereotype that gay people look a certain way, which is not only untrue but also pretty limiting.
• Compliments are great, but not when they imply that being gay and attractive are mutually exclusive.
• This can make someone feel like you're questioning their identity based on superficial standards.

4. "We Can Go Shopping; I Need a Gay Best Friend!"

While it might be intended as lighthearted, this statement is problematic for a couple of reasons:

• It stereotypes gay friends as being interested in certain activities, like shopping, and reduces them to an accessory rather than valuing them as a whole person.
• It suggests that the friendship is valuable for superficial reasons rather than for genuine connection and mutual respect.
• Your friend might feel used or seen as fulfilling a particular role rather than being appreciated for who they are.

5. "How Do You Know If You Haven’t Been With the Opposite Sex?"

This question suggests that one’s sexuality might be a phase or confusion, which is not how it works. Consider these points:

• Sexuality is about attraction and feelings, not just about physical experiences. People have a sense of who they’re attracted to, with or without experience.
• Asking this can imply that being straight is the default, which discounts the validity of other orientations.
• It's a bit personal, isn't it? Discussing one’s sexual experiences (or lack thereof) can be pretty invasive.

6. "But You Don’t Act Gay"

You are basically saying that all gay men should act camp but you friend doesn't. You are embarrasing yourself by insisting the wrong idea.

• Implies there's a specific way gay people should act, which is a narrow view of human behavior.
• It can feel like you're saying someone's not "gay enough," adding unnecessary pressure to conform to stereotypes.
• Everyone expresses themselves differently. Reducing someone's identity to a checklist of behaviors is a no-no.

7. "Isn't That Unnatural?"

This one's a doozy and steps into sensitive territory. Here's why it's not a great thing to say:

• It questions the validity of someone's natural feelings and attractions, making them feel judged.
• Love and attraction are part of the human experience, existing in diverse forms across cultures and history.
• Such statements can contribute to feelings of alienation or being "othered."

8. "That's So Sad That You Can't Have (Your Own) children"

This statement implies that having biological children is the only way to start a family and find happiness. Families come in all shapes and sizes, and this question overlooks that beautiful diversity. Consider these points:

• It assumes that having children is everyone's end goal, which isn't the case for everyone.
• This question can feel invasive and presumptuous about someone's plans for the future.
• Not all couples want to have children. Some prefer to focus on building their careers or traveling the world instead of starting a family. Others may choose adoption or surrogacy as an alternative.
• Many heterosexual couples struggle to conceive naturally. Saying this phrase perpetuates the harmful notion that procreation should be prioritized over other forms of love.

9. "Can I Watch?"

This question is pretty out there and crosses boundaries of respect and privacy. Here’s why it’s a no-go:

• It turns personal relationships into spectacle, which is dehumanizing and invasive.
• It implies that LGBTQ+ relationships are for the entertainment of others, rather than meaningful connections between people.
• It can make your friends feel objectified and uncomfortable.

10. "My Friend So-and-So Is Gay. Maybe You Guys Should Meet Up."

What makes you think that gay people are constantly looking for a partner? Just like you wouldn't automatically introduce a male friend and a female friend, you shouldn't assume that two gay people will automatically connect. Sexual orientation alone doesn't determine whether two people will have a strong bond or shared interests.

While usually well-intentioned, this matchmaking idea can miss the mark for a couple of reasons:

• It assumes that two people will hit it off just because they're both gay, which is pretty reductive.
• Friendships and relationships are about more than just sexual orientation; common interests and personalities are key.
• This can put unnecessary pressure on your friend (and your other friend) to connect on a basis that might not be meaningful to them.

Who Says Who Will "Burn In Hell"?

If you show a lack of empathy and understanding for the other person's feelings and beliefs, the karma will get back at you. 

If you think gays are going to burn in hell because of your religious beliefs, think about other religious beliefs - Hindu, Muslim, whatever. They vary widely. They might think YOU are going to hell because of your beliefs. Then you should acknowledge and respect the diversity of beliefs and opinions that exist.

The LGBTQ+ community has faced discrimination and judgment for far too long, and as allies, it's our responsibility to create a safe and accepting environment for them.

Avoid those phrases and instead focusing on love, acceptance, and respect, we can help build a world where everyone feels valued regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity.

So let's choose our words carefully and continue to educate ourselves on how we can be better allies. Let's show our gay friends that they are loved just as they are and that they will never burn in hell simply because of who they love.